When Hope Prevails

When Hope Prevails,

Today when there are literally millions of bloggers and influencers out there, already cashing in on the business opportunities and earning a name for themselves, it becomes difficult for someone new to join the bandwagon. Almost seems like a futile effort. I want to become a blogger, but I’m not yet sure if I’ll succeed.

For I have tried several things in the past and failed. I was resigned to believe that my life is only meant to slog at a 9-6 job. But somewhere deep down a hope prevailed. It still does. Much as I have tried to kill it, it just keeps pushing me to try again, maybe try something new, but keep trying and never give up. So, here I am, after several failures, once again trying to run after a dream that has kept evading me for years.

Thus, my story begins, a commerce graduate, who also did software engineering from NIIT simultaneously (because everyone’s doing something more than just getting a degree).

All the while, my dream was to become a villain on a TV show (coz they are way too glam than the main leads) or a model. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always dreamed of having a glamorous profession.

But, I secured a placement soon after graduation as a Geographic Information System Analyst. I basically coded maps for four years.
In the meantime, I went for around 7-8 auditions, got rejected everywhere, and came to a conclusion that I cannot act (couldn’t even remember my lines!) and neither am I good enough to be a model.

After four years of monotonous mindless work, I decided to do something else. Something that doesn’t involve staring at a computer screen for nine hours! As I had this inner passion for all things glamorous and fashionable, I decided to go for fashion designing.

You may or may not accomplish your goals in life, but making an effort matters.

After a heavy debate with myself about whether it’ a feasible and wise decision to pursue fashion designing so late in my career (age 25), I decided to go for it. I quit my job and did a diploma from a very fancy sounding institute- Istituti Callegary Milano. Sounds attractive, right?
But as my luck would have it, the institute was already running into losses, the promised Italian faculties never came to India, and it felt more like private tuitions in a huge classroom than a fashion designing institute. Nevertheless, I completed my course and went job hunting.
This time though, I wasn’t as lucky as my first job stint. The pay offered during my first interview for a designer’s job was ridiculously low. Rs. 3000!! Like seriously? Are you kidding me?

I went for 5-6 more interviews. The thing is, at this point in life, I wasn’t ready to work for a lesser amount. I mean, my colleagues were becoming managers and I’m being offered less than 10K. Not happening. Eventually I got a job as an assistant designer at a boutique.

Now comes the sad part. Family emergency struck on the second day of job. And I couldn’t go to the hospital as I was left in charge of the boutique. I went on a guilt trip while at the shop, I wanted to be there with my family but couldn’t because of this job. That’s when I thought that maybe a corporate job is better suited for me, with medical insurance, paid leaves, fixed timings and all such apparent “perks”.

Also Read: Success comes with hard work and passion that is within you

Now the story gets sadder still. I went into depression. Because when I tried getting back to a corporate job, nobody trusted me. They felt I might just leave again on a whim. “What if you want to pursue something else this time?”, was the most frequent question asked during my interviews. I’ve honestly never felt so worthless in my life. I had no job. I spent all my money on the designing course. I kept blaming myself for not listening to my parents. (They weren’t exactly happy about my decision, but supported me nevertheless. They even paid my fees, which was quite embarrassing as I couldn’t manage to save enough after four years of corporate slogging). Now that I think of the depression I went through, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. But back then, it was hell for me. I felt so hopeless, lying in bed the whole day, didn’t feel hunger nor thirst, cried relentlessly. It was terrible for my parents to watch me this way. They kept saying it’s alright, but I had just died inside.

After two months, I got a job as a content writer. I thanked God and decided never to mess up again by following my dreams. I decided to forget about everything and just live a regular life. I got over all the sadness and got back on track. This is when I saw the rise of bloggers on Instagram. I felt like it’s the perfect thing for me to do! I like writing, I like to get photographed, and of course I love getting all dressed up.

So, after a failed attempt at being an actor, a model, a fashion designer, I now intend to become a blogger. It’s not as easy as just posting images and getting brand collaborations. Initially I planned meticulously and posted images, updated my blog frequently, but I couldn’t see any engagement. I followed other bloggers and saw the fancy pictures they post, the number of likes and followers they got, which were way more than mine. I thought this is a lost cause and I’m never going to become a blogger amidst all these other mega influencers.

Also Read: Dream doesn’t have an expiration date

I even thought of buying likes and followers just to increase my page’s popularity, but decided against it. I wouldn’t be staying true to myself if I did that. But like I said earlier, the hope in me is stronger than my will. As much as I try to suppress it, it keeps popping up! Because deep down I crave to be someone, I don’t want to get lost in the crowd. What pins my hope to blogging is that it’s a culmination of everything I like – writing, modelling, travelling.

So once again, I’m pursuing my dream, but this time I’ll take it slow. No more getting worked up over failures. If I turn out to be a successful blogger, I’d be happy, if not, I would still be content as a writer.

What I’ve learned so far from my experience is that you must do what makes you happy. Take baby steps, but take that step. I couldn’t become what I wanted, but that doesn’t mean I cannot achieve that dream ever. You may or may not accomplish your goals in life, but making an effort matters. Because the small steps that you take towards that ultimate goal gives you hope, it motivates you and gives you something to dream about, something to look forward to each day.

Cinimol Nair

A writing enthusiast with a penchant for fashion, art and anything that makes me laugh. I can be described as fickle, resolute, materialistic, introvert, hard-headed and dreamy- yes I have contrasting personality traits. I like books more than people. I’m an amateur artist and would love to spend my life painting, travelling, reading and eating cakes- not necessarily in that order.

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