I’m really glad that I get to share this with you guys. I was kind of nervous to write this, just because it’s so personal, but I really do love sharing this with you guys. This is only the fourth month of our marriage and its a month of February- the Valentine month. I don’t specifically feel very positively about V-day, but I have to admit, not having plans doesn’t go well down with me either. Pankaj and I did years of long distance before we got married last year so we didn’t spend too many Valentine’s together, but I would still make it a point to spend this overwhelming day with someone I love so that is why this is special for me talking about love. Since it is so special that it needed to have its own essence. I feel very nervous to talk about this topic, but the vulnerability is important for me.
2018 has been the year I’ve learnt a lot about love. Last year was the year I celebrated being alone but ended with the love of life. I’m sure I would love to tell you it was easier, some stages were more magical, peaceful and others were full of doubts frustration and sometimes shrugging into the bed with no other option but to keep myself strong next day.
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It’s probably hard for me to really understand the ins and outs of love. I might have an idea, but I don’t think I fully understood it. Sometimes it felt like a lot of emotional barrels started for me because I had so many things surrounding me counted from my personal relationships with my family friends and relatives putting me into wrong impressions. That’s when things really started to get harder for me. I don’t want to talk anything specific because I don’t want to say anything bad about people in my life because there are still people out living in the world. Basically, I have had relationships that were not healthy in my life. Everyone has.
I have lived in Delhi for straight long 9 years on my own. I was away from my parents, had a job pressure and kind of stressful life. I needed care and love from my own people. I found it hard to maintain myself from last couple of year because I was alone keeping myself busy in work. But all in these hassles, I met Pankaj through some work. From day one, he was kind and supportive and we became very good friends. He was such a hilarious and interesting person I have had ever met. I still remember that how we started talking and never felt it like ending. We were quite fast in realizing what we both wanted. we would always talk about how people would start taking our relationship seriously when we hit the 3 months mark of being togetherness. I don’t know why we decided that was the time that solidified a lasting couple. Now we have been together for almost three and half years through the highest of highs and some low lows; through holding on so tight for two years of long distance. But now we are married, have a home and one tiny baby- our cat.
When Pankaj & I were about to get married, we didn’t know where we would be living. It would be a mutual decision, but I was aware since years of being with Pankaj that his work might command him to live majority of the year in Bangalore, and since my work was not bound to geographical limits for me, it was an option. I was open to shift. Although, inside my heart, I somewhere hoped we would cohesively settle in Delhi. I had my job and I was into fashion business also, had my work set up in Delhi itself, physically and strategically, that I was happy with, my family lived not so far to Delhi. Though my brother was already settled in Bangalore.
Couple of months before our wedding, it was decided it would be Bangalore for majority of the year. I had been made prepared for this since the time we met and yet I found myself being so confused. Pankaj insisted this would be great for ‘us’, that I was going to absolutely love it, that I could now take my blogging section to next level without any compromises and I could always travel if my work commanded it. I trusted him.
It’s been three months today since I came to Bangalore and like every other newly married girl, I’m still finding my way around this new life. When someone would tell me how different it would be after marriage, oh boy, I did not even imagine this magnitude of difference. Every little thing is new. Every little thing makes me think of my parents. Every little thing is a big deal in my head.
I’m not sure I’m in a place right now to even categorically say how I’m feeling. Work, on one hand, is not so in control but it’s never been so wonderful too. I absolutely LOVE creating content, being exposed to a fresh new way of fashion, of talent, of influencing. I have so much more direction in my professional life. At the same time, I miss home, I miss my parents so much. But then again – every minute I spend living with Pankaj feels like nothing could make me happier. Oh then again, how I miss my noisy Delhi and the traffic and the smell of street food. And yet, I guess it’s an ‘I don’t know’ phase and I’m beginning to accept that. Most importantly – I’ve decided to make the most of where I am, rather than wishing to be someplace else.
One thing that made much comfortable is our own pet which Pankaj adopted few months back. Oh god knows, how much I love animals. She is a Cat muffin. She is so adorable and loving. When I first met to her, she loved me and accepted me for who I am. we fell in love! When I stay at home alone, I get bored because everyone seemed to be way too busy and enjoying. Now as I am here, she saves me in a way. She makes me feel like I could manage my responsibilities like an adult. Sometimes in life no matter what age, acting like an grown up, feels impossible. But suddenly I had this tiny little furball to take care for. I’d wake up multiple times in the night to check she was okay in her place she used to sleep. I’d worry she was too hot or cold or not eating enough. But she is getting way too easy to handle; exceptions are always there! We both are happy that she completes us. She is an expression of love for me.
Pankaj has been very thoughtful, encouraging, light hearted, passionate and authentic and all these qualities about him made ME a better person every day. I made it to the top feeling very thankful that I am still alive & little bit thankful that I have someone like him to push me out of my comfort zone. He, in a way has shaped me in my best possible version that he always tries to keep me pumped up with motivated thoughts and gives me space to transform my inner energy to a positive platform.
Life can be so hectic and fast paced but I always try to wake up every morning with thankfulness for this life & little family that I have. Three months went by in the blink of an eye, yet I’ve experienced more fullness and joy in this time period than I have in my whole life. Pankaj is truly my greatest gift. It’s the exciting start of a new journey and I can only hope that a year later he turns around and says – ‘Oh Shitika, I told you so’!
Happy Valentine P ❤️